


if you think you're going down, just know that I'll be around

by ValkyrieIsabella



Series: Say The Word and I'll Be There For You [1]
Category: Far Cry 5
Genre: Alex is a former peggie and not a dep, F/M, she's also incredibly sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-03
Updated: 2020-03-03
Packaged: 2021-02-23 04:37:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,416
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23005861
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ValkyrieIsabella/pseuds/ValkyrieIsabella
Summary: Alex has a lapse in judgement and her days as one of Jacob's Chosen comes back to haunt her more than anything. All she wants is to forget that part of her life- luckily, Eli's there to help.
Relationships: Eli Palmer/Original Female Character(s)
Series: Say The Word and I'll Be There For You [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1684726
Comments: 2
Kudos: 6





	if you think you're going down, just know that I'll be around

**Author's Note:**

> Title is from Parachute by Christ Stapelton. I used to have this over on Tumblr, but it's gone with my old blog so here we are!

Alex felt sick. Guilt settled heavily in her heart, followed by nothing but pure _regret_. The last few days had been long, tiresome, and left her feeling like something was wrong with her.

As she came home to the Whitetail bunker earlier that evening, all she did was immediately take Willow from her father, kissing her baby’s forehead and ignoring Eli as he asked if she was alright, where she had been. Usually a homecoming brought Alex remaining at Eli’s side with Willow on her hip, the two of them doing nothing more than distracting him from his work in the best of ways. But this was different. There was no Alex giving Eli a quick kiss on the cheek, no ‘glad you’re safe’ spoken, it was nothing more than getting the baby and retreating to her and Eli’s shared bedroom.

And that was _hours_ ago. Willow had since fallen asleep, content with having her mother back home, snuggled up in her arms as Alex leaned back against the wall, staring ahead at nothing in the dim light of the room she shared with Eli. This was all that Alex wanted- the time with her daughter, the time to think about all that she had done in the last 48 hours. She had ignored everyone as they knocked on the door and asked her how she was, asked what was wrong- especially when it came from Tammy and Wheaty, both of them just wanting to check on her.

But when it was Eli at the door... it was worse. Wheaty was just a kid, more or less, who wanted to check on her and Tammy respected Alex on some level now, and could tell when she needed space- but Eli was different; he loved Alex. He worried about her when she wasn’t herself, had been worried for the last 2 days when there wasn’t even as much as a radio call from her (he didn’t know it had been broken after a fall). He had feared the worst while she was gone.

The knock on the door was soft, almost as though Eli knew that Willow was sleeping and he didn’t want to wake her- or, he didn’t want to wake _Alex_ if she was sleeping.

“Hey, Lex? You alright?”

His voice was muffled through the door- and though she knew he couldn’t see her, Alex shook her head in response to him. She only curled more into herself, holding Willow closer. Tears burned her eyes and Alex tried to blink them away, mentally cursing at herself for being so _weak_.

A moment later, the door opened but Alex didn’t look over at it, didn’t want to acknowledge Eli on any level. 

“Please talk to me.” Eli said softly, leaned against the door frame as he watched Alex. Seeing her in such a state was almost shocking, given the fact that Alex usually kept a happy demeanor, was able to convince people that she was alright when she really wasn’t. Now... now she looked seconds away from breaking down and Eli knew.

“Lexi.”

He stepped into the room then, closing the door quietly behind him, kicking his shoes off beside Alex’s own. 

“I... I scared myself, Eli. It was awful. I lost who I was, slipped back into the mindset that I had when I was a cultist. I was going to fuckin’ kill someone a few days ago. Hell, I almost did.”

Alex shocked herself when she finally spoke, already regretting saying _anything_ to Eli about the last few days. It was heavy, hard for even her to swallow- and the guilt bagged at the back of her mind as she replayed every second of what had happened. He deserved better than her. Looking down at Willow, Alex almost felt her heart break at her daughter’s peaceful face as she slept- her baby girl deserved better.

A killer, a cultist- it's all Alex knew she was. It was all she would ever be. She winced as she heard Eli approach her, automatically shaking her head in her own way of silently telling- _begging_ \- him to stay away. But the soft touch on Alex’s cheek- a careful brush of calloused fingers against her skin made Alex look up. Eli looked just as tired as she did and it just furthered the negative feelings going through her mind.

“Alright. We’ll talk about that later. But, Alex... look at me, sweetheart. Can’t keep bottling this shit up. Not good for ya. I ain’t going to push you to talk, but what you want to share, I’ll listen.” Eli said, holding his arms out to take Willow. Alex finally moved off of the wall, closer to him, and carefully handed the sleeping toddler to him. Willow didn’t stir even as he rested her against his shoulder, patting her back softly. Eli didn’t take his eyes off of Alex, though. He didn’t know it, but her mind was running a mile a minute, didn’t know she was beating herself up.

But he did know that she needed comfort- she didn’t need to be alone. She didn’t need to feel like she was alone.

Eli settled on the edge of the bed, still holding Willow, but reached towards Alex with his free arm, hand resting on her leg. A silent, subtle way of his to let her know he was there. It was his way of reassuring her without saying a word, a system the two of them had used since they had gotten together.

A silence settled over them, only disrupted by Alex sighing.

“Eli... when I got home, I had to remind myself why I left them. Why I changed. Why I’m not that fuckin’ person anymore. I wanted to be a better person for Willow. I wanted to _change_ , damn it!”

Eli nodded as he slowly moved back, his back against the wall as he sat beside Alex, checking on Willow quickly before looking over at Alex.

“You have changed and it’s all been for the better. So you slipped up- shit happens, Lexi. It’s fine. Not a damn thing has undone what you’ve done, who you’ve become.”

“I feel like it has. I feel like all of this shit has. I still... I’m still a fucking killer. My daughter deserves better. You deserve better.”

Eli laughed before shaking his head in disbelief. He knew Alex long enough-sometimes her mind was her biggest downfall. He moved closer to her, kissing the side of her head.

“Don’t want better. Hell, if there’s better than you... I’ll take you, sweetheart. Any day.”

“You really want someone with so much blood on her hands?” Alex asked, finally looking at Eli. Usually, seeing him with Willow made her heart skip a beat. Seeing the man she loves with her daughter, her pride and joy was always made her feel at ease, but with how she was feeling, how little she thought of herself in the current moment just furthered her thoughts of ‘they need better’.

“Yep. I’m pretty fond of you. And, in case you need to be reminded… you’re a mother. A fighter. You’re a damn good person, Lex. Not only that, you’re not the only one in this bunker who’s worked with the cult. I did too. Our pasts don’t really make who we are now, sweetheart.”

Eli wrapped his free arm around her waist and pulled her close, resting his head on top of hers.

“It’s just… difficult, Eli. The damn guilt is killing me. It’s never bothered me before- god knows I did some messed up stuff with the cult. So why is it against the cult I feel bad?” Alex said quietly, turning her head to look at Eli. He shrugged in response, changing how he was sitting to be more comfortable for him, Alex, and Willow.

“Brains work weird. Think now it’s because you’ve been rewired. You feel shit a lot more now. Jacob ain’t got that grip on you like he used to have. You got people who’ve got your back now, though, with their own free will this time. No matter what you do, I’ve got your back, Lexi.”

“I love you, Eli.”

Alex’s voice was soft as she said this, with Eli smiling as she moved just enough to kiss his cheek. It wasn’t the response he expected, but it was one he definitely welcomed.

“I love you too, sweetheart. Now… you’ve been gone two damn days. Get some sleep. I’ll be here.”


End file.
